What is a bad mood? Is it a state of mind, an emotion, a feeling? Is it a cause of bad nutrition, sleepless nights or a change in hormones? Is it instigated by a happening, by an event? Is it something tangible and does a pill to end it exist?
There are days that start like any other, a yawn or two, a look towards the day’s schedule and a nod towards the weekend gone or the one approaching. Most days will end like any other but then sometimes through a twist of fate, a shift in the world, the feelings can change, perception will change and emotions are heightened. There’s nothing tangible in a bad mood and very often no direct link towards a happening, it’s hard to solve so it just sits there in its darkest hour forcing you to reflect on life and what’s around you.
Are moods something we talk about? Are feelings even something we talk about? The other day I was told that my problem is I like drama too much and I’m too emotional – how are those too even linked? Do we even have control on our emotions and is it really still the day and age when women are told that they are too emotional and that they just need to grow a pair and get on with it ?. Is getting on with the essence of our life? We don’t often talk about feelings and moods because we know we will be judged, I’m not saying might be judged, I’m saying will. The judgement is immediate – a raised eyebrow, a pause in the conversation, a smile, a sigh….sometimes what is left unsaid actually speaks louder than actual words. This is why I love to write, with writing you are free to pour your heart and soul into words, to take refuge in letters and punctuation, sure others will read and judge, but you won’t be there to see them laugh, to see them mock, to see that raised eyebrow or incredulous stare. Comments may come but that’s different, a post, thought-out reaction not an immediate one. You’re always safe from the immediate ones.
I’m no stranger to heightened emotions or the blackest of moods, it’s often unclear to me what caused the mood change but it’s usually a mix of things. Every problem starts to appear that little bit bigger, every goal somewhat harder to reach and every obstacle more difficult to overcome. It is a basic truth that on a day like that I am ‘rather emotional’, a fact that perhaps I’m being somewhat hard on myself but what is also a fact that generally, there is a basic truth in every feeling, an underlying truth to every problem and this state of mind is forcing me to see them, perhaps more clearly than ever before.
As a woman who literally wants to have it all, I have high expectations for myself, I get angry when I can’t meet them, upset at any failures and I’m terrible at any form of rejection. It’s not about accepting myself, I don’t necessarily want to change myself, I just want to be the best version of myself – at all times. The question, of course, is whether this version is actually attainable, whether the list of goals I’ve set myself is even possible but again, there’s no answer to this is there? Others have done the impossible so why can’t I?
Shades : Shilhouette via O’hea Opticians
Dress : Antica Sartoria Positano