What day is it? Does anyone know? Is it time to eat again yet? It’s been a few weeks since we isolated ourselves off from the world and as I sit here and write, the concept of days and time is starting to feel a bit blurry. I can honestly say that right now I’m not even quite sure how long it’s been since we started isolating, I’d need to check.
The last post I wrote came from a darker place than my current state of mind, I felt demotivated and sluggish, bored and claustrophobic. And once I fully realised this, like my good self tends to do, I went about trying to ‘fix me’. I spent the weekend researching online courses, coming up with ideas and plans, making virtual plans with friends and creating 30-day challenge promises I would need to fulfil, this would all be beside my full-time job which sees no chance of lessening in workload albeit handled remotely. Monday rolled around, ostensibly the start of this new way of life – Monday evening I couldn’t get to sleep, I was stressed about all the things I needed to do, both for work and everything else. The goals I had set myself for this life at home period suddenly seemed difficult and out of reach but I’m no quitter. Tuesday wasn’t much better, whole days at work were spent in meetings leaving my brain tired and craving some downtime that evening but well, there were the challenges right? The fairytale answer to give you right now would be that I decided all this was silly and allowed myself to relax but this is Caroline’s brain and it ain’t no fairytale.
I’ve always suffered from FOMO – fear of missing out, I’ve dragged my tired ass out to a party I was clearly in no state to enjoy because I was scared to miss it, I’ve tasted food I could never possibly like because well it might be good, I’ve even agonised over missed events back home whilst on holiday in Japan. You might be very well struggling to correlate this to our current isolated period at home but you see, the thing is my brain has turned this period into an opportunity. This is a glittering opportunity, a period free from distractions, free from certain commitments, free from commuting traffic and this opportunity might never present itself again. Subsequently, this means that this might be my one and only chance to complete that online course, to learn that language, to finish that workshop and I cannot, must not waste such a glittering, one in a lifetime opportunity.
They say women are in general too hard on themselves and if I compare myself to the hubby, I would definitely agree. He has goals, he has dreams and when he wants something he sets out to achieve it but he also cuts himself slack, goes with the flow and doesn’t beat himself up for wanting to watch TV. Even now, here in my own post, I’m still chiding myself for something, in this case for wanting to do much.
There is a silver lining and that is that I’m truly a happier person being busy and that is something I’ve learnt to accept and understand about myself. A list of TODO’s makes me feel energised, stressed too sometimes but also alive, alive and kicking with a sense of purpose. Also, last Friday morning, I was up early and I sat and thought about things and the reality is that there is no right way for us to deal with what we are going through right now. Quite possibly any of the ways will involve a degree of stress. And so whilst I might very well emerge from this period more tired than when I entered it I possibly prefer it to emerging feeling unmotivated and lifeless.
And on that note, my good fellows I must leave you, my spend-15-minutes-a-day-improving-a-language challenge is calling but if any of you have any thoughts or experiences on how you’re dealing with things right now, I would truly love to hear them.